Thursday, December 30, 2010

Rendell: Wussies settle for 20th-best lush

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - Following today's disappointing announcement that Philadelphia was only America's 20th best drinking city, former Philly Mayor and current Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell lashed out at his homeboys.

"Only wussies would settle for 20th best honors!" the outgoing chief said over a cheese steak at the governor's mansion in Harrisburg.

Philadelphia's ranking is based on the Daily Beast's annual rankings of America's drunkest cities, as determined by winos per park bench, number of bar skanks per capita, tons of vomit cleaned and divorce rates.

When asked for a comment about being left off the list, Harrisburg Mayor Linda Thompson said:

"We up to our armpits in debits and repo men just came for the city's last remaining car. We don't have time to care about drunkish rankings...ah, shit, never mind. Let's get hammered."

Las Vegas, ranked 36th best lush, allegedly put a hit out on Philadelphia, according to a source who asked to remain anonymous. But that source, also known as Jimmy the Snitch, was later found out in the desert with a broken Yuengling Lager bottle in his back and buzzards picking his bones.

The FBI is looking for the Phillies Fanatic as some suspicious green fur with foul BO was found at the scene of the crime.

Milwaukee, whose baseball team is the Brewers, was unavailable for comment. That's right the entire city was unavailable, apparently too blitzed to even accept its award as the drunkest hole in America.

When one stinkin' drunk bastard was asked for a comment, he fell over face-plant style into the street, vomited, jumped up, stripped naked, grabbed my beer, chugged it and ran off down the street. This reporter wishes him well.

Pennsylvania's Governor-elect, Tom "Gaslight" Corbett said only that he hoped next year the good people of the Keystone State would remember that alcoholism is no laughing matter. At that point, he promptly thanked everyone for the 20 billionth time for letting him con them into voting for him.

"But back to drunkishness," the soon-to-be state chief said, "we can't have everyone three-sheets-to-the-shitter when we're putting natural gas wells in the back yard. I mean, have you ever been to a frat house? If everyone's drunk next year, they'll all be trying to light farts on fire and then KABLOOEY! Pennsylvania will burn its pucker hole!"

Rumor is that a 50-state beer-chugging competition is in the works to settle which state and city is the best suds guzzler. American territories are boycotting because they will not be allowed to vote on choice of beer used in the event, according to alcoholic insiders.

By Luke Raoul, Dime Times senior alcoholic writer

Celebrities Join Forces to Fight World Hunger

DES MOINES, IA - Spokespersons Sarah McLaughlin of the SPCA and Sally Struthers of Christian Children's fund are teaming up to end world hunger. The duo met at a Halloween Party thrown by their agent, Mark Feldstein, who specializes in placing washed up celebs into infomercials. The two began comparing notes about their charity work and realized that if they worked together they could kill two birds with one stone and perhaps a dog and cat too.

"There are people without enough to eat all over the world," stated McLaughlin, "And in reality, there is no way we can place these thousands of unwanted pets into homes, so why not get some use out of them," Struthers added, "To many Americans, it may seem a little bizarre to eat a cat or dog, but if you have been living off of tree bark and beetles like my little friend, Mtumbo, in Somalia, some Chow Chow Chow or Kabobtail would be a welcome change."

This bold venture by the two ladies has even inspired Bob Barker to recant his years long catchphrase, "Have your pet spayed or neutered." In a recent interview Bob Barker spoke, "Absolutely do not have your pets spayed or neutered. Better yet, get them high and play and Barry White for them"

Project AbandandCan
has been in the works for sometime, but organizers did not want to announce the effort until a site for processing had been secured. When asked about their choice for the site, McLaughlin offered this bit of wisdom. "If you want to learn about engineering, you go to Germany, If you want to learn about cowardice and defeat, you go to France, If you want to learn how to eat cats, you go to North Korea!

New Mexico Governor, Bill Richardson sealed the deal with Kim Jong Il's regime on his recent trip to the Taint of Asia. "This contract reminded me of some of the dealings with Native Americans I learned about in history class as a child," noted the Governor. "The North Koreans agreed to process every pet we could send them for twenty years in exchange for 200,000 copies of Best of the BeeGees on 8 track and 30 tons of Pop Rocks."

Bill Richardson also added, "Now that we have taken care of the unwanted pet problem, we can now begin legislation on how to get rid of the unwanted people.

By Darrel Miller, Insensitive Prick Human Interest Writer

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Final Descent to Jackson Hol-y crap!

JACKSON, Wyoming - An American Airlines jet went past the end of a snowy runway while landing at Wyoming's Jackson Hole Airport on Wednesday, but no one was injured and the plane was not damaged, officials said.

Airline spokesman Ed Martelle said Flight 2253 from Chicago "had a long rollout" when it landed at 11:37a.m. Wednesday, as opposed to the preferred medium or short rollouts executed by pilots who routinely land planes without incident at airports across the globe.

Martelle said that the plane came to rest on what he termed "a hard surface" and did not go off into grass or brush. Authorities were initially unable to comment on the specifics related to the surface but later disclosed that several feet of sage grass suffered the brunt of the damage.

Airline officials said that there were 175 passengers, two pilots and four flight attendants on board the Boeing 757, but Martelle said that he was unable to account for the blades of grass that were savagely ground into a chlorophyll-hemorrhaging pulp because American Airlines puts the health and welfare of its paying customers and staff above wildlife and the environment.

Local newspaper reporter, Kevin Huelsmann, was on the flight to Jackson Hole and said that the passengers and crew experienced a relatively uneventful trip up until their additional frequent flier mile.

“There was snow everywhere outside the windows. We couldn't see anything. But there was no big impact. It happened so quickly, most people didn't react until it was over, when they heard the screams of the grass” he said.

Huelsmann said the pilot explained to all aboard that the brakes had failed, but that no announcements were made to the shrubs and wildlife outside the aircraft in accordance with American Airlines policy.

Despite plowing into deep snow 658 feet beyond the end of the runway, there were no injuries or damage to the airplane, minus the carnage that occurred on the ground beneath the merciless Dunlop wheels.

Jackson Hole's airport's sole runway is 6,400 feet long, and the length of the Wyoming facility has been the source of runway envy among local residents since the 1930's, as most airports handling commercial flights offer just under 7,000 ft.

Airport Director, Ray Bishop, has repeated his stance that “it's not the length of the runway that matters, it's how you use it.”

According to Bishop, light snow was falling when the plane landed, with visibility at about 1.5 miles.

“Much like my scalp, the runway had some snowy patches, but its surface afforded good braking friction,” he said.

The National Transportation Safety Board announced Wednesday it opened an investigation into the incident.

The National Weather Service said Jackson Hole had received about seven inches of snow since midnight, which was a five inches less than the album released by Canadian reggae musician Snow in 1992.

Rather than wait for an anonymous Informer to come forward with the details of the incident, Martelle said that airline officials will eventually determine why the plane went off the runway. While the destruction of hundreds of feet of grass has flown under the proverbial radar, American Airlines considers the matter "fairly minor" as numerous planes have suffered unfortunate events at the troubled facility.

On December 20, 2000, actress Sandra Bullock survived the crash of a chartered business jet at Jackson Hole Airport when pilots hit a snowbank instead of the runway, shearing off the nose gear and nose cone and damaging the wings.

“Now that was a big deal,” said Bishop.

Located in the southern tip of Grand Teton National Park about 10 miles north of Jackson, Jackson Hole Airport is the only commercial airport permitted to operate inside a national park. The National Park Service announced Tuesday that it was granting the airport a 20-year lease extension.

Depends / AARP Senior Bowl Premiere!!

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - The first annual Depends / AARP Senior Bowl will be held January 29th, 2011 at the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis MN. The Senior Bowl is bringing back all the gridiron greats from way back for one more shot at national glory. Lou Holtz, Joe Paterno, John Madden, Dick Butkus, Joe Fortunato, Brett Favre and others will meet for this game of the century.

When Lou Holtz, Captain of the Lake Havasu Ear Hairs, was asked why this moss-back match-up was not held in a warmer locale, he sharply answered, "We chose Minneapolis because their dome, just like most of ours, is malfunctioning and covered in white. Plus Brett knows the way to the Old Country Buffet!"

While most are looking forward to the upcoming day of legends, there was some controversy about the choice of OJ Simpson as head referee. Event organizer, Wilford Brimley, defended the decision by saying, "All of Liberty Medical couldn't repair the carnage that man could unleash on my diabetic, oatmeal saturated body"

Kick off is at 2PM. There will be no award ceremony or trophy since by 4PM the few players that know why they are there will most likely be asleep or hospitalized by then.

by Darrel Miller, Senior Insensitive Prick Sportswriter

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