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Consider this the greatest single achievement of mankind. Well, this and the discovery of corn in Iowa.

Mubarak Changes Facebook Relationship Status With Egypt To “It’s Complicated”

CAIRO, Egypt - After nearly 30 years together, President Hosni Mubarak and Egypt may be calling it quits. While officials within the regime are not willing to comment, a status message on a popular social networking site might shed light on the inner workings of the only successful African nation.

Nearly two weeks after protesters converged on Tahrir Square to call for his ouster, Mubarak changed his relationship status from “Entrenched” to “It’s Complicated.”

Mubarak’s office failed to return several calls and emails, but the president replied to requests for comment through another social networking site: Twitter.

When asked for comment by The Dime Times, Mubarak tweeted “@thedimetimes: I think it’s time for us to re-evaluate our relationship. I would leave today but I fear that Egypt couldn’t handle life without me.”

With scores of protesters hounding the 82-year-old Mubarak for more information, the Cairo Casanova remains in his compound polishing his mummified “little pharaoh” while casting dispersions upon his naysayers’ “pyramid envy.”

While no one knows for sure what Mubarak will do, it appears that the Hieroglyphs are on the wall and that change is inevitable.

Carbs to Curb Caballero Crossings

PLAYAS, New Mexico - The Obama administration scrapped a billion-dollar high-tech southern border fence project that failed to demonstrate an improvement to national security along Mexican border.

According to one of America’s worst media outlets, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has canceled the contract with Boeing for the futuristic "virtual" fence.

“A department-wide independent, comprehensive assessment concluded that the fake fence was as worthless as Stephen Hawking's penis. Today I briefed Congress on my decision to end the project as originally conceived and to embark on a new path to enhance security along the Southwest border through technology,” Napolitano said.

Sources close to the Obama administration contend that there is no "one-size-fits-all" solution to meet the United States’ security needs along the border and that additional measures are required to maintain the integrity of America’s local interests.

In addition to traditional types of fencing to stop people and vehicles from illegally crossing into the United States, the DHS has utilized tower-based integrated cameras and sensors, ground-based radar, mobile surveillance systems, and an unmanned aerial system in remote areas along the border.

Now those methods will be bolstered through the combined efforts of America’s greatest export and import: fat kids and video games.

Dubbed “Operation Fatback,” the project entails the utilization of recreationally-challenged teenagers with video game consoles and Predator drones to monitor and neutralize threats to America’s security along the entire 1,969-mile U.S.-Mexico border.

Industry experts agree that most obese teens have more experience flying virtual planes than the current remote pilots employed by the U.S. Air Force. United States Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates said that the nation’s use of armchair flyboys will free up military personnel that could be better used in the Afghanistan area of operations.

“Those plus-sized patriots will ensure the safety of American citizens at home and our physically fit fighting forces overseas. All they ask for is a never ending supply of Hot Pockets and Mountain Dew,” said Gates.

When asked to comment on the controversial plan, Constitutional Citizen President of the United Mexican States, Felipe Calderón, said that he did not appreciate the use of his people for target practice when they cross the border via legal or illegal means.

“At least give my people a fighting chance. We Mexicans pride ourselves on being a nation of great runners and swimmers. The prospect of being gunned down by a Pillsbury Doughboy gaming from a beanbag chair just doesn’t seem fair,” Calderón said.

Obama contends that Operation Fatback will provide jobs and entertainment for thousands of physically repulsive Americans from across the country. While he has yet to find a downside to the project, Obama left the door open for discussion with his Mexican counterpart, provided Calderón is able to navigate through the heavily patrolled U.S. airspace en route to the White House.

“It’s going to be tough. Our children have been stuffing their fat little faces and honing their video game skills for years. Getting to D.C. from the south is going to be a tough task for the best of pilots, and even more so for the poncho-wearing piñata popping yahoos from the Yucatan,” said Obama.

Tea Party T-Party

Reporter's Notebook:

For last weekend’s New Years Eve I was thrilled to have been invited to a ball held by the Tea Party. The ball was held to launch a new campaign by the Tea Party to dispel innuendo that the movement has racist undertones.

To show their color-blindness, event co-hostesses, Sara Palin and Delaware senate race loser, Chris O’Donnell, filled the guest list with a bounty of African American celebrities. This move was in hopes that with some good fun and a few drinks, dialogue could be opened. The roster of attendees included; Booker T, Mr. T, Ice-T, T-Pain, T-Boz, TI, and strangely, the withered old white oil tycoon, T. Boone Pickens.

As I mingled with the crowd I had a chance to speak with Mr. Pickens. When I asked him what it was about the Tea Party that got him behind their movement, he enlightened me with this statement, “I don’t give a rat’s patoot about the Tea Party. I’m an oil man you see. I just figured with that Mr. T fella being here, this place would be overflowing with Black Gold.”

I listened for a short time longer to Mr. Picken’s geriatric rants about how hard he worked as a child and how he had no shoes and "la-dee-da-dee-da." I couldn’t take anymore so I excused myself and headed to the bar for a drink.

When the bartender asked what I would like, I asked for a rum and coke. I was informed that they did not have any rum. I proceeded to request three more different drinks and was told each time that they did not have it in stock. Frustrated, I asked the bartender what they DO have. I lost all hope for the success of this event when he replied, “T-Bird or Black Tea.”

It was New Years Eve though, and I wanted to get my swerve, groove, and freak on, so I grudgingly went with the T-Bird, trying to forget the misery it would bring me in the morning. Once I had downed three or four glasses of the foul rotgut, it did start going down a lot easier.

With this liquid courage flowing in my veins, I found the nerve to strike up a conversation with the intimidating Booker T, former WWF star. I asked Booker what he thought of the efforts put forth by Palin and O’Donnell. He explained to me, “This shindig is an insult. Serving T-Bird to black folks? What up wit dat!? They think we all drink that shit? Both them skanks is stupid white bitches, but in their defense, I'd bang both them hos all Got Damn Night!!"

Despite the awkwardness the choice of refreshments had caused, the guests were working through it and all were having an okay time. That is, until Chris O’Donnell returned from a short absence sporting a urine soaked dress, tear streaked mascara, and a bit of vomit in her disheveled hair. Somehow in her over-inebriated state she was able to perceive that all eyes were on her. After realizing this, she delivered the final nail in this ill conceived gala’s coffin.

“What are yooo ashholes looking at?” She screamed slurrrily as she weaved to and fro. “Ya wanna shtare at the witch? Go ’head, shtare, I, don’t, give, A, shit. Go 'head, gawk at the three elecshun looser you, you sunsh-of-bitshes. And one more thing,“ she spoke, voice crescendoing as she went, “the nexsh mothrf-----r that shays they liked me in Batman Forever isz gonn get thare F-----G, THROAT, SHLIT!!!"

At this, Ms O’Donnell fell to the floor, sobbed uncontrollably for a bit and began to vomit again.

Although I don’t like Ms. O’Donnell’s politics I did feel pity for her and scanned the room for Ms. Palin, hoping she could help. I did not see her, or Mr. Ice, or Booker for that matter. I did spot T-Pain and approached him to ask if he knew where Sara had gone.

“I don’t know where she went for sure, but I’ll tell this homey. Tomorrow she needs to open a children's clothing store in that pussy cuz tonight it’s gettin’ filled up with 3T’s.”

T-Pain’s comment gave me one hell of a laugh so I decided to call it a night on a positive note. The famous artist gave me his number and told me to call him if I want to smoke out and play Madden 11’. I thanked him, headed down the hall, gingerly stepped over a passed out Mr. Pickens who was spooning with a planter, pushed open the hotel's double doors, and stepped outside into a New Year.

Rendell: Wussies settle for 20th-best lush

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - Following today's disappointing announcement that Philadelphia was only America's 20th best drinking city, former Philly Mayor and current Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell lashed out at his homeboys.

"Only wussies would settle for 20th best honors!" the outgoing chief said over a cheese steak at the governor's mansion in Harrisburg.

Philadelphia's ranking is based on the Daily Beast's annual rankings of America's drunkest cities, as determined by winos per park bench, number of bar skanks per capita, tons of vomit cleaned and divorce rates.

When asked for a comment about being left off the list, Harrisburg Mayor Linda Thompson said:

"We up to our armpits in debits and repo men just came for the city's last remaining car. We don't have time to care about drunkish rankings...ah, shit, never mind. Let's get hammered."

Las Vegas, ranked 36th best lush, allegedly put a hit out on Philadelphia, according to a source who asked to remain anonymous. But that source, also known as Jimmy the Snitch, was later found out in the desert with a broken Yuengling Lager bottle in his back and buzzards picking his bones.

The FBI is looking for the Phillies Fanatic as some suspicious green fur with foul BO was found at the scene of the crime.

Milwaukee, whose baseball team is the Brewers, was unavailable for comment. That's right the entire city was unavailable, apparently too blitzed to even accept its award as the drunkest hole in America.

When one stinkin' drunk bastard was asked for a comment, he fell over face-plant style into the street, vomited, jumped up, stripped naked, grabbed my beer, chugged it and ran off down the street. This reporter wishes him well.

Pennsylvania's Governor-elect, Tom "Gaslight" Corbett said only that he hoped next year the good people of the Keystone State would remember that alcoholism is no laughing matter. At that point, he promptly thanked everyone for the 20 billionth time for letting him con them into voting for him.

"But back to drunkishness," the soon-to-be state chief said, "we can't have everyone three-sheets-to-the-shitter when we're putting natural gas wells in the back yard. I mean, have you ever been to a frat house? If everyone's drunk next year, they'll all be trying to light farts on fire and then KABLOOEY! Pennsylvania will burn its pucker hole!"

Rumor is that a 50-state beer-chugging competition is in the works to settle which state and city is the best suds guzzler. American territories are boycotting because they will not be allowed to vote on choice of beer used in the event, according to alcoholic insiders.

By Luke Raoul, Dime Times senior alcoholic writer

Celebrities Join Forces to Fight World Hunger

DES MOINES, IA - Spokespersons Sarah McLaughlin of the SPCA and Sally Struthers of Christian Children's fund are teaming up to end world hunger. The duo met at a Halloween Party thrown by their agent, Mark Feldstein, who specializes in placing washed up celebs into infomercials. The two began comparing notes about their charity work and realized that if they worked together they could kill two birds with one stone and perhaps a dog and cat too.

"There are people without enough to eat all over the world," stated McLaughlin, "And in reality, there is no way we can place these thousands of unwanted pets into homes, so why not get some use out of them," Struthers added, "To many Americans, it may seem a little bizarre to eat a cat or dog, but if you have been living off of tree bark and beetles like my little friend, Mtumbo, in Somalia, some Chow Chow Chow or Kabobtail would be a welcome change."

This bold venture by the two ladies has even inspired Bob Barker to recant his years long catchphrase, "Have your pet spayed or neutered." In a recent interview Bob Barker spoke, "Absolutely do not have your pets spayed or neutered. Better yet, get them high and play and Barry White for them"

Project AbandandCan has been in the works for sometime, but organizers did not want to announce the effort until a site for processing had been secured. When asked about their choice for the site, McLaughlin offered this bit of wisdom. "If you want to learn about engineering, you go to Germany, If you want to learn about cowardice and defeat, you go to France, If you want to learn how to eat cats, you go to North Korea!

New Mexico Governor, Bill Richardson sealed the deal with Kim Jong Il's regime on his recent trip to the Taint of Asia. "This contract reminded me of some of the dealings with Native Americans I learned about in history class as a child," noted the Governor. "The North Koreans agreed to process every pet we could send them for twenty years in exchange for 200,000 copies of Best of the BeeGees on 8 track and 30 tons of Pop Rocks."

Bill Richardson also added, "Now that we have taken care of the unwanted pet problem, we can now begin legislation on how to get rid of the unwanted people.


By Darrel Miller, Insensitive Prick Human Interest Writer

Final Descent to Jackson Hol-y crap!

JACKSON, Wyoming - An American Airlines jet went past the end of a snowy runway while landing at Wyoming's Jackson Hole Airport on Wednesday, but no one was injured and the plane was not damaged, officials said.

Airline spokesman Ed Martelle said Flight 2253 from Chicago "had a long rollout" when it landed at 11:37a.m. Wednesday, as opposed to the preferred medium or short rollouts executed by pilots who routinely land planes without incident at airports across the globe.

Martelle said that the plane came to rest on what he termed "a hard surface" and did not go off into grass or brush. Authorities were initially unable to comment on the specifics related to the surface but later disclosed that several feet of sage grass suffered the brunt of the damage.

Airline officials said that there were 175 passengers, two pilots and four flight attendants on board the Boeing 757, but Martelle said that he was unable to account for the blades of grass that were savagely ground into a chlorophyll-hemorrhaging pulp because American Airlines puts the health and welfare of its paying customers and staff above wildlife and the environment.

Local newspaper reporter, Kevin Huelsmann, was on the flight to Jackson Hole and said that the passengers and crew experienced a relatively uneventful trip up until their additional frequent flier mile.

“There was snow everywhere outside the windows. We couldn't see anything. But there was no big impact. It happened so quickly, most people didn't react until it was over, when they heard the screams of the grass” he said.

Huelsmann said the pilot explained to all aboard that the brakes had failed, but that no announcements were made to the shrubs and wildlife outside the aircraft in accordance with American Airlines policy.

Despite plowing into deep snow 658 feet beyond the end of the runway, there were no injuries or damage to the airplane, minus the carnage that occurred on the ground beneath the merciless Dunlop wheels.

Jackson Hole's airport's sole runway is 6,400 feet long, and the length of the Wyoming facility has been the source of runway envy among local residents since the 1930's, as most airports handling commercial flights offer just under 7,000 ft.

Airport Director, Ray Bishop, has repeated his stance that “it's not the length of the runway that matters, it's how you use it.”

According to Bishop, light snow was falling when the plane landed, with visibility at about 1.5 miles.

“Much like my scalp, the runway had some snowy patches, but its surface afforded good braking friction,” he said.

The National Transportation Safety Board announced Wednesday it opened an investigation into the incident.

The National Weather Service said Jackson Hole had received about seven inches of snow since midnight, which was a five inches less than the album released by Canadian reggae musician Snow in 1992.

Rather than wait for an anonymous Informer to come forward with the details of the incident, Martelle said that airline officials will eventually determine why the plane went off the runway. While the destruction of hundreds of feet of grass has flown under the proverbial radar, American Airlines considers the matter "fairly minor" as numerous planes have suffered unfortunate events at the troubled facility.

On December 20, 2000, actress Sandra Bullock survived the crash of a chartered business jet at Jackson Hole Airport when pilots hit a snowbank instead of the runway, shearing off the nose gear and nose cone and damaging the wings.

“Now that was a big deal,” said Bishop.

Located in the southern tip of Grand Teton National Park about 10 miles north of Jackson, Jackson Hole Airport is the only commercial airport permitted to operate inside a national park. The National Park Service announced Tuesday that it was granting the airport a 20-year lease extension.