Sunday, January 16, 2011

Carbs to Curb Caballero Crossings

PLAYAS, New Mexico - The Obama administration scrapped a billion-dollar high-tech southern border fence project that failed to demonstrate an improvement to national security along Mexican border.

According to one of America’s worst media outlets, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has canceled the contract with Boeing for the futuristic "virtual" fence.

“A department-wide independent, comprehensive assessment concluded that the fake fence was as worthless as Stephen Hawking's penis. Today I briefed Congress on my decision to end the project as originally conceived and to embark on a new path to enhance security along the Southwest border through technology,” Napolitano said.

Sources close to the Obama administration contend that there is no "one-size-fits-all" solution to meet the United States’ security needs along the border and that additional measures are required to maintain the integrity of America’s local interests.

In addition to traditional types of fencing to stop people and vehicles from illegally crossing into the United States, the DHS has utilized tower-based integrated cameras and sensors, ground-based radar, mobile surveillance systems, and an unmanned aerial system in remote areas along the border.

Now those methods will be bolstered through the combined efforts of America’s greatest export and import: fat kids and video games.

Dubbed “Operation Fatback,” the project entails the utilization of recreationally-challenged teenagers with video game consoles and Predator drones to monitor and neutralize threats to America’s security along the entire 1,969-mile U.S.-Mexico border.

Industry experts agree that most obese teens have more experience flying virtual planes than the current remote pilots employed by the U.S. Air Force. United States Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates said that the nation’s use of armchair flyboys will free up military personnel that could be better used in the Afghanistan area of operations.

“Those plus-sized patriots will ensure the safety of American citizens at home and our physically fit fighting forces overseas. All they ask for is a never ending supply of Hot Pockets and Mountain Dew,” said Gates.

When asked to comment on the controversial plan, Constitutional Citizen President of the United Mexican States, Felipe Calderón, said that he did not appreciate the use of his people for target practice when they cross the border via legal or illegal means.

“At least give my people a fighting chance. We Mexicans pride ourselves on being a nation of great runners and swimmers. The prospect of being gunned down by a Pillsbury Doughboy gaming from a beanbag chair just doesn’t seem fair,” Calderón said.

Obama contends that Operation Fatback will provide jobs and entertainment for thousands of physically repulsive Americans from across the country. While he has yet to find a downside to the project, Obama left the door open for discussion with his Mexican counterpart, provided Calderón is able to navigate through the heavily patrolled U.S. airspace en route to the White House.

“It’s going to be tough. Our children have been stuffing their fat little faces and honing their video game skills for years. Getting to D.C. from the south is going to be a tough task for the best of pilots, and even more so for the poncho-wearing piñata popping yahoos from the Yucatan,” said Obama.

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