Sunday, March 18, 2012

Let's Get Ready To Tumbuuuuuuuuuuuhl!

We're on tumblr!

Why did we move the platform? Because it's cooler in a couple of ways and The Dime Times is all about chasing the cool, man.

Don't worry, we're not totally into the hipster scene. No berets, no cloves, and not LMFAO apparel of any kind are allowed in the office.

Our dedicated staff has pledged to remain locked in its 1990s-chic lifestyle and work to memorize all of the good scenes from movies like Dude, Where's My Car? and Wayne's World.

Still not convinced? We're also going to bring leather jackets back along with turtleneck sweaters (but not sweater vests), Fossil watches, and over-sized glasses.

Weren't the 90s sweet? Hell yeah, they were.

Anyway, we're on tumblr now and that's about as cool as we get for a while. Think of it as a major upgrade, like when your cousin Phil traded in his original PlayStation for the PS3 last year. That's a serious upgrade, and so is this.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Whoopie! We're All Gonna Die.

It's 2012, and if the giant Rolex made by the Mayans is still working then we've got less than a year left before we bid this planet a fond adieu. Since the Dime Times Corporation lost it's millions with the loss of Whitney Houston from our Fantasy Celebrity Comeback League roster, we're not going to be able to finance that room on the ark.

Well, if we're going to succumb to the will of the aliens like the rest of you poor slobs we may as well write about it!

Our top scientists can't seem to figure out where to put the batteries in the Mayan calendar but once they do we'll research the likelihood that Justin Bieber and Ellen DeGeneres create the second coming of Jeebus.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

We're Twitter-pated

Want to catch up on the headlines but don't have time or the interest to read an entire story? Then check out the all-new The Dime Times Twitter page!

Learn more about your favorite editorial team while you cure your twit-fit with hard-hitting, opinionated news the way you like it.

Consider this the greatest single achievement of mankind. Well, this and the discovery of corn in Iowa.

Mubarak Changes Facebook Relationship Status With Egypt To “It’s Complicated”

CAIRO, Egypt - After nearly 30 years together, President Hosni Mubarak and Egypt may be calling it quits. While officials within the regime are not willing to comment, a status message on a popular social networking site might shed light on the inner workings of the only successful African nation.

Nearly two weeks after protesters converged on Tahrir Square to call for his ouster, Mubarak changed his relationship status from “Entrenched” to “It’s Complicated.”

Mubarak’s office failed to return several calls and emails, but the president replied to requests for comment through another social networking site: Twitter.

When asked for comment by The Dime Times, Mubarak tweeted “@thedimetimes: I think it’s time for us to re-evaluate our relationship. I would leave today but I fear that Egypt couldn’t handle life without me.”

With scores of protesters hounding the 82-year-old Mubarak for more information, the Cairo Casanova remains in his compound polishing his mummified “little pharaoh” while casting dispersions upon his naysayers’ “pyramid envy.”

While no one knows for sure what Mubarak will do, it appears that the Hieroglyphs are on the wall and that change is inevitable.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Carbs to Curb Caballero Crossings

PLAYAS, New Mexico - The Obama administration scrapped a billion-dollar high-tech southern border fence project that failed to demonstrate an improvement to national security along Mexican border.

According to one of America’s worst media outlets, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has canceled the contract with Boeing for the futuristic "virtual" fence.

“A department-wide independent, comprehensive assessment concluded that the fake fence was as worthless as Stephen Hawking's penis. Today I briefed Congress on my decision to end the project as originally conceived and to embark on a new path to enhance security along the Southwest border through technology,” Napolitano said.

Sources close to the Obama administration contend that there is no "one-size-fits-all" solution to meet the United States’ security needs along the border and that additional measures are required to maintain the integrity of America’s local interests.

In addition to traditional types of fencing to stop people and vehicles from illegally crossing into the United States, the DHS has utilized tower-based integrated cameras and sensors, ground-based radar, mobile surveillance systems, and an unmanned aerial system in remote areas along the border.

Now those methods will be bolstered through the combined efforts of America’s greatest export and import: fat kids and video games.

Dubbed “Operation Fatback,” the project entails the utilization of recreationally-challenged teenagers with video game consoles and Predator drones to monitor and neutralize threats to America’s security along the entire 1,969-mile U.S.-Mexico border.

Industry experts agree that most obese teens have more experience flying virtual planes than the current remote pilots employed by the U.S. Air Force. United States Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates said that the nation’s use of armchair flyboys will free up military personnel that could be better used in the Afghanistan area of operations.

“Those plus-sized patriots will ensure the safety of American citizens at home and our physically fit fighting forces overseas. All they ask for is a never ending supply of Hot Pockets and Mountain Dew,” said Gates.

When asked to comment on the controversial plan, Constitutional Citizen President of the United Mexican States, Felipe Calderón, said that he did not appreciate the use of his people for target practice when they cross the border via legal or illegal means.

“At least give my people a fighting chance. We Mexicans pride ourselves on being a nation of great runners and swimmers. The prospect of being gunned down by a Pillsbury Doughboy gaming from a beanbag chair just doesn’t seem fair,” Calderón said.

Obama contends that Operation Fatback will provide jobs and entertainment for thousands of physically repulsive Americans from across the country. While he has yet to find a downside to the project, Obama left the door open for discussion with his Mexican counterpart, provided Calderón is able to navigate through the heavily patrolled U.S. airspace en route to the White House.

“It’s going to be tough. Our children have been stuffing their fat little faces and honing their video game skills for years. Getting to D.C. from the south is going to be a tough task for the best of pilots, and even more so for the poncho-wearing piñata popping yahoos from the Yucatan,” said Obama.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Tea Party T-Party

Reporter's Notebook:

For last weekend’s New Years Eve I was thrilled to have been invited to a ball held by the Tea Party. The ball was held to launch a new campaign by the Tea Party to dispel innuendo that the movement has racist undertones.

To show their color-blindness, event co-hostesses, Sara Palin and Delaware senate race loser, Chris O’Donnell, filled the guest list with a bounty of African American celebrities. This move was in hopes that with some good fun and a few drinks, dialogue could be opened. The roster of attendees included; Booker T, Mr. T, Ice-T, T-Pain, T-Boz, TI, and strangely, the withered old white oil tycoon, T. Boone Pickens.

As I mingled with the crowd I had a chance to speak with Mr. Pickens. When I asked him what it was about the Tea Party that got him behind their movement, he enlightened me with this statement, “I don’t give a rat’s patoot about the Tea Party. I’m an oil man you see. I just figured with that Mr. T fella being here, this place would be overflowing with Black Gold.”

I listened for a short time longer to Mr. Picken’s geriatric rants about how hard he worked as a child and how he had no shoes and "la-dee-da-dee-da." I couldn’t take anymore so I excused myself and headed to the bar for a drink.

When the bartender asked what I would like, I asked for a rum and coke. I was informed that they did not have any rum. I proceeded to request three more different drinks and was told each time that they did not have it in stock. Frustrated, I asked the bartender what they DO have. I lost all hope for the success of this event when he replied, “T-Bird or Black Tea.”

It was New Years Eve though, and I wanted to get my swerve, groove, and freak on, so I grudgingly went with the T-Bird, trying to forget the misery it would bring me in the morning. Once I had downed three or four glasses of the foul rotgut, it did start going down a lot easier.

With this liquid courage flowing in my veins, I found the nerve to strike up a conversation with the intimidating Booker T, former WWF star. I asked Booker what he thought of the efforts put forth by Palin and O’Donnell. He explained to me, “This shindig is an insult. Serving T-Bird to black folks? What up wit dat!? They think we all drink that shit? Both them skanks is stupid white bitches, but in their defense, I'd bang both them hos all Got Damn Night!!"

Despite the awkwardness the choice of refreshments had caused, the guests were working through it and all were having an okay time. That is, until Chris O’Donnell returned from a short absence sporting a urine soaked dress, tear streaked mascara, and a bit of vomit in her disheveled hair. Somehow in her over-inebriated state she was able to perceive that all eyes were on her. After realizing this, she delivered the final nail in this ill conceived gala’s coffin.

“What are yooo ashholes looking at?” She screamed slurrrily as she weaved to and fro. “Ya wanna shtare at the witch? Go ’head, shtare, I, don’t, give, A, shit. Go 'head, gawk at the three elecshun looser you, you sunsh-of-bitshes. And one more thing,“ she spoke, voice crescendoing as she went, “the nexsh mothrf-----r that shays they liked me in Batman Forever isz gonn get thare F-----G, THROAT, SHLIT!!!"

At this, Ms O’Donnell fell to the floor, sobbed uncontrollably for a bit and began to vomit again.

Although I don’t like Ms. O’Donnell’s politics I did feel pity for her and scanned the room for Ms. Palin, hoping she could help. I did not see her, or Mr. Ice, or Booker for that matter. I did spot T-Pain and approached him to ask if he knew where Sara had gone.

“I don’t know where she went for sure, but I’ll tell this homey. Tomorrow she needs to open a children's clothing store in that pussy cuz tonight it’s gettin’ filled up with 3T’s.”

T-Pain’s comment gave me one hell of a laugh so I decided to call it a night on a positive note. The famous artist gave me his number and told me to call him if I want to smoke out and play Madden 11’. I thanked him, headed down the hall, gingerly stepped over a passed out Mr. Pickens who was spooning with a planter, pushed open the hotel's double doors, and stepped outside into a New Year.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Rendell: Wussies settle for 20th-best lush

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - Following today's disappointing announcement that Philadelphia was only America's 20th best drinking city, former Philly Mayor and current Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell lashed out at his homeboys.

"Only wussies would settle for 20th best honors!" the outgoing chief said over a cheese steak at the governor's mansion in Harrisburg.

Philadelphia's ranking is based on the Daily Beast's annual rankings of America's drunkest cities, as determined by winos per park bench, number of bar skanks per capita, tons of vomit cleaned and divorce rates.

When asked for a comment about being left off the list, Harrisburg Mayor Linda Thompson said:

"We up to our armpits in debits and repo men just came for the city's last remaining car. We don't have time to care about drunkish rankings...ah, shit, never mind. Let's get hammered."

Las Vegas, ranked 36th best lush, allegedly put a hit out on Philadelphia, according to a source who asked to remain anonymous. But that source, also known as Jimmy the Snitch, was later found out in the desert with a broken Yuengling Lager bottle in his back and buzzards picking his bones.

The FBI is looking for the Phillies Fanatic as some suspicious green fur with foul BO was found at the scene of the crime.

Milwaukee, whose baseball team is the Brewers, was unavailable for comment. That's right the entire city was unavailable, apparently too blitzed to even accept its award as the drunkest hole in America.

When one stinkin' drunk bastard was asked for a comment, he fell over face-plant style into the street, vomited, jumped up, stripped naked, grabbed my beer, chugged it and ran off down the street. This reporter wishes him well.

Pennsylvania's Governor-elect, Tom "Gaslight" Corbett said only that he hoped next year the good people of the Keystone State would remember that alcoholism is no laughing matter. At that point, he promptly thanked everyone for the 20 billionth time for letting him con them into voting for him.

"But back to drunkishness," the soon-to-be state chief said, "we can't have everyone three-sheets-to-the-shitter when we're putting natural gas wells in the back yard. I mean, have you ever been to a frat house? If everyone's drunk next year, they'll all be trying to light farts on fire and then KABLOOEY! Pennsylvania will burn its pucker hole!"

Rumor is that a 50-state beer-chugging competition is in the works to settle which state and city is the best suds guzzler. American territories are boycotting because they will not be allowed to vote on choice of beer used in the event, according to alcoholic insiders.

By Luke Raoul, Dime Times senior alcoholic writer