PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - Following today's disappointing announcement that Philadelphia was only America's 20th best drinking city, former Philly Mayor and current Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell lashed out at his homeboys.
"Only wussies would settle for 20th best honors!" the outgoing chief said over a cheese steak at the governor's mansion in Harrisburg.
Philadelphia's ranking is based on the Daily Beast's annual rankings of America's drunkest cities, as determined by winos per park bench, number of bar skanks per capita, tons of vomit cleaned and divorce rates.
When asked for a comment about being left off the list, Harrisburg Mayor Linda Thompson said:
"We up to our armpits in debits and repo men just came for the city's last remaining car. We don't have time to care about drunkish rankings...ah, shit, never mind. Let's get hammered."
Las Vegas, ranked 36th best lush, allegedly put a hit out on Philadelphia, according to a source who asked to remain anonymous. But that source, also known as Jimmy the Snitch, was later found out in the desert with a broken Yuengling Lager bottle in his back and buzzards picking his bones.
The FBI is looking for the Phillies Fanatic as some suspicious green fur with foul BO was found at the scene of the crime.
Milwaukee, whose baseball team is the Brewers, was unavailable for comment. That's right the entire city was unavailable, apparently too blitzed to even accept its award as the drunkest hole in America.
When one stinkin' drunk bastard was asked for a comment, he fell over face-plant style into the street, vomited, jumped up, stripped naked, grabbed my beer, chugged it and ran off down the street. This reporter wishes him well.
Pennsylvania's Governor-elect, Tom "Gaslight" Corbett said only that he hoped next year the good people of the Keystone State would remember that alcoholism is no laughing matter. At that point, he promptly thanked everyone for the 20 billionth time for letting him con them into voting for him.
"But back to drunkishness," the soon-to-be state chief said, "we can't have everyone three-sheets-to-the-shitter when we're putting natural gas wells in the back yard. I mean, have you ever been to a frat house? If everyone's drunk next year, they'll all be trying to light farts on fire and then KABLOOEY! Pennsylvania will burn its pucker hole!"
Rumor is that a 50-state beer-chugging competition is in the works to settle which state and city is the best suds guzzler. American territories are boycotting because they will not be allowed to vote on choice of beer used in the event, according to alcoholic insiders.
By Luke Raoul, Dime Times senior alcoholic writer