DES MOINES, IA - Spokespersons Sarah McLaughlin of the SPCA and Sally Struthers of Christian Children's fund are teaming up to end world hunger. The duo met at a Halloween Party thrown by their agent, Mark Feldstein, who specializes in placing washed up celebs into infomercials. The two began comparing notes about their charity work and realized that if they worked together they could kill two birds with one stone and perhaps a dog and cat too.
"There are people without enough to eat all over the world," stated McLaughlin, "And in reality, there is no way we can place these thousands of unwanted pets into homes, so why not get some use out of them," Struthers added, "To many Americans, it may seem a little bizarre to eat a cat or dog, but if you have been living off of tree bark and beetles like my little friend, Mtumbo, in Somalia, some Chow Chow Chow or Kabobtail would be a welcome change."
This bold venture by the two ladies has even inspired Bob Barker to recant his years long catchphrase, "Have your pet spayed or neutered." In a recent interview Bob Barker spoke, "Absolutely do not have your pets spayed or neutered. Better yet, get them high and play and Barry White for them"
Project AbandandCan has been in the works for sometime, but organizers did not want to announce the effort until a site for processing had been secured. When asked about their choice for the site, McLaughlin offered this bit of wisdom. "If you want to learn about engineering, you go to Germany, If you want to learn about cowardice and defeat, you go to France, If you want to learn how to eat cats, you go to North Korea!
New Mexico Governor, Bill Richardson sealed the deal with Kim Jong Il's regime on his recent trip to the Taint of Asia. "This contract reminded me of some of the dealings with Native Americans I learned about in history class as a child," noted the Governor. "The North Koreans agreed to process every pet we could send them for twenty years in exchange for 200,000 copies of Best of the BeeGees on 8 track and 30 tons of Pop Rocks."
Bill Richardson also added, "Now that we have taken care of the unwanted pet problem, we can now begin legislation on how to get rid of the unwanted people.
By Darrel Miller, Insensitive Prick Human Interest Writer